(This is a LONG read so get comfy…)

At the end of my second marriage I was sitting in a financial planner’s office, when he stepped out to get a printout. My eyes shifted to the poster on his wall. 21 Suggestions For Success.

Right at the top.

1. Marry the right person. This one decision will determine 90% of your happiness or misery.

By the time the planner stepped back in the room my eyes were brimming full with tears and while a few fell – I tried to hide my face and quietly wipe the rest away. But how could I hide this gut punch. How could I hide the shift that had happened to me in those 10 seconds. I knew Item #1 on this poster was right. And I had failed at #1, twice.

Sitting there twice divorced, trying to put my life back together, I was devastated.

My heart had taken a hit twice and my pocketbook had taken an even greater hit. Twice. I left both marriages with less financially than I started, and greater financial burdens. I never married for money. It was always for love.

And LOVE was never the problem. It was just all the other stuff.

The financial planner assessment was not encouraging…time was the only healer to repair the financial damage caused to my credit by my last ex. I left there with no hope of immediate financial repair. A second punch to the gut. I left his office in a cloud of despair.

How will I ever buy a house again? How will I ever be able to give my two sons a home like we just left. A huge big beautiful new home where we got to pick out all the colors. How will I ever be able to give them or me that life, ever again?

I missed the walls in the beautiful house we just left. I would visit my neighbor across the street from my previous house and I would cry at seeing the beautiful texture of her walls. When my second marriage ended, I moved my sons and I into a rental house around the block, 1/3 the size and 40 years older than the new house we had just left. I left our new house because I could not afford it on my own so I left it in my ex’s hands, trusting he would maintain payments until it sold. Well that didn’t work out as I trusted.

After two marriages I was left with my credit destroyed, no financial security, loss of my job at Apple after eight years, and now a cumulative loss of two houses, two sets of families and 2 sets of friends…because blood is thicker than water and everyone takes a side.

But I still had HOPE.

I had hope I could take my sons, now ages 10 and 12 and move forward. Rebuild those things I had lost as it was just “stuff”. I had hope and faith all would be OK. In time. And I worked to make it so. I was able to get a job at Apple again after a couple years and things started feeling better financially. Things were looking up. Feeling better.

And I still believed in LOVE. I knew love was never the problem. I knew I could love and be loved. And I wanted to have love again. I LOVED being married. I never wanted to not be married. I LOVED family life.

After 4 years I fell in love with the man who would be my 3rd husband. Within the first month of our dating we were talking on the phone and I was sitting on my blue couch in the living room and told him, I absolutely wanted to be married again, but I NEVER wanted to be divorced again. When he called me the next day I knew I had not scared him off. We were married 18 months later.

We bought a house together. Life felt better than ever. We made our good home great with super renovations and lots of sheet rock dust and lots of money and lots of love. We made our home something very special for all of us. Inside and out. For him, me, my two sons and his young daughter. I loved our life.

Four years later my heart broke like never before.

While he was kindly helping me (over the phone) navigate on his computer to use the scanner attached to his computer – messages popped up for him that led me to see another life he was living. I had not snooped. I didn’t do anything except wake up his computer and there the messages were…from other females. Lots of messages, that absolutely blindsided me.

I spent the next 4 days (when he was away) scouring his computer to see all I could. Gain as much information as I could, so I could truly understand what was going on with him.

My innocence was over. I was devastated. I had lost all sense of a firm footing in my own home, and our relationship. If I had not seen the messages with my own eyes, I would have never believed all the betrayals to be true. But I could not deny seeing his own words, written to others. I could not deny the truth. The truth that killed my trust in him.

We separated and the divorce was final 6 months later.

Item #1 “Marry the right person”, from the poster, was playing in my head stronger than ever.

I now had 3 failed marriages and one horribly broken heart.

This time I did not have hope.

I had loved him so much. I could not just “pick myself up again” and carry on.

I felt like I had just had my 3rd strike at bat and it was time to just sit on the bench.

And so I did.

I mostly sat on the bench. Until he called me one Friday night late. And then came by. And we drank champagne and he stayed til 5 am and left before the sun came up…

A month later he moved back in.

6 weeks later he moved back out.

Insanity was truly the thread here…doing the same thing and expecting different results.

Hope was even more elusive now. It felt like a 4th divorce him moving out again.

A year later after he had a failed engagement, he contacted me again…and we went to dinner and we talked and talked and talked.

And this time was different.

I had spent almost a year in a Divorce Recovery Class trying to find hope again, or at least stop crying…and he had found the rooms of AA in our time apart, after a near death experience.

We had both experienced huge shifts in our lives and he was now almost 9 months sober. He invited me to an AA meeting with him and I immediately fell in love with AA. I loved the reading about “rigorous honesty”. My eyes welled with tears hearing all the stories of restoration within the rooms. I loved feeling hope again. I felt if we could have rigorous honesty in our marriage we would be fine. My love for him had not waned. I only wanted for us to be together.

And together we stayed.

And he proposed again and we joined a marriage enrichment course.

My sobriety started 3 weeks after first entering the rooms with him and we spent the next 14 months reunited with each other and our families. We enjoyed many events together; weddings, family and friends celebrations, gatherings of all kinds. Sober. It was different for us. Different good. Different awkward at times. Doing life without alcohol made celebrations different and at times awkward as we were both in the early stages of sobriety and we had much to learn.

During the 14 months together we traveled the US from West to East Coast, attending concerts, 4th of July in DC at the US Capital and AA meetings in cities all over the country – and finally the AA international convention in Hawaii, where our relationship was laid to rest.

Rigorous honesty was no longer the lead actor… Rigorous honesty had drifted into the background and lies and deceit and defensiveness were prominent again.

Our last day in Hawaii, when he took my hand over coffee and said “It’s not you, it’s me” I felt the fatal gut punch… I knew our final run at reconciliation was ending.

As Bonnie Raitt says “I Can’t Make You Love Me”, if you don’t.

I had to let him go. He wanted to go. He wanted to pursue whatever or whoever that might be…and so he did.

For the next 15 years he charted a course separate from mine. He lived his life and I lived mine and never the two did meet. Our communication was just a handful of times.

Last year I learned he had serious cancer and I reached out to him immediately, that very day. He died 3 days later. I was able to share “I couldn’t have loved you more” before he passed. I am grateful I was able to connect with him one final time. I am grateful GOD gave me a sign to connect one last time – before he passed away.

Today I have 16 years and 8 months sobriety. Only the first 14 months were spent with him and the other 15 years 6 months I have been alone in my sober walk.

I have dipped my toes in the relationship world (and maybe a few other body parts) over these last 15.5 years…but barely, briefly and with great hesitation.

I still feel heartbroken.

I still cry when I think about all the good times we did have.

I loved when he took my hand leading me to the dance floor when we first met.

I loved when his knees went weak when we kissed in the parking lot of the dance club.

I loved him doing home projects.

I loved him helping me do school programs and projects with the kids.

I loved his total kid like behavior of eating the cookies at open houses we toured.

I loved his knocking down walls and building a deck before my son’s graduation party.

I loved him mimicking people’s mannerisms and making me laugh hysterically. Especially his impression of Chuck from Sears air conditioning.

I loved how he asked my sons how to spell vacuum after leaving a family portrait session.

I loved the Cheerios Box Gift he gave me.

I loved how he always told me “I have great plans for us!”

I loved how he loved me, when he loved me.

My heart still breaks today…27 years after first meeting him.

So what is the cost of this heartbreak?

I have not picked up myself and truly moved on in the last 15 1/2 years.

Life has felt hard and sad.

I gained 57 pounds three years after our split and have struggled for 12 years at getting it off.

I have 40 more pounds to go.

Last night I put together a summary of the costs of my broken heart, over the last 15 years.

The costs of me not getting back up again, very well.

The costs of not pulling myself up by my bootstraps as I had always done before.

The costs of not thinking clearly because my heart ached so much.

Here’s my list….as of the 15 year mark.

Financial Impact
$1,500,000 – Loss of home
$750,000 – Loss of income over 5 years
$400,000 – Loss on buying/selling another property
$2,650,000 – Total loss at the 15 year mark.

Physical Health
40 extra pounds
Horrific sleep for 13 years due to financial stress and weight gain

Emotional Health
All I can say is thank GOD for Hallmark, AA, Country Music, Apple and my kids/grands.

So do I have another LOVE left in me?

Absolutely.

Love is never the problem.

Love is always worth it.

Love gives me HOPE.

Yes to LOVE.

NO THANKS to a Broken Heart.

Please check back in soon..I have some great plans for ME and others I will unveil soon.

I have HOPE again. And it’s time to get back up like never before.

Stronger, wiser, gentler and kinder with myself.

Oh my goodness. It was 7:15 AM, Sunday morning and I’m heading out the door still in my PJ pants, to do a quick drop off to a friend’s porch. I am taking her a small bouquet of birthday balloons with a tiny token (felt pads for her chair legs). Gifts get way more practical when we get older. Useful. Practical gifts. I was not totally boring, as the balloons were fun, sparkly and exciting.

With the balloons in hand, along with my phone, purse, sun glasses and keys – I head out the door. By the time I get to my car I see I have accidentally called my grandson who is on vacation out of state right now. I quickly hang up and pray the accidental call did not wake him. I get in my car and position the balloons in the passenger seat. I planned to tie the balloons to my friend’s door to surprise her on her birthday.

It’s a 5 minute drive to the gated community where she lives and where I called home for 13 years. I arrive in the guest access lane and tell the guard my purpose – show her the balloons and tell her please don’t call my friend as I don’t want to wake my friend so early, and I want to surprise her.

The guard was by the book. She was not going to let me in without calling my friend. Since I was not on the guest access list I was not allowed in – without contacting the home owner. Not even if I was here just two days ago. Not even that I lived in this community myself for 13 years. Not even, nothing. She was not budging. Then she told me to back up and make a uturn to leave. I at least made her raise the gate so I could pull forward and make a UTURN. A more adventurous person would have made a dash for it once the gate lifted…but I reluctantly made the uturn, as I said I would.

I drove away so disappointed. So deflated. I was bringing the now “not so happy” birthday balloons back home with me. Undelivered. I was sad.

As I walk in the door I hear the coffee I had put on before leaving, sizzling…the sound of liquid hitting a hot burner…and the counter is covered in coffee. Diluted coffee. I had failed to empty the pot from yesterday – before starting today’s coffee. The water I had left in the pot yesterday – after my last cup, had now destroyed today’s brew and had caused an overflow.

Thankfully I was not gone long – in my failed attempt at delivering the balloons. Thankfully I was able to catch the mess before it was much worse. I took a deep breath – dumped the coffee out and took a picture – before starting over in brewing a new pot.

It was 7:30am and I had already racked up three fails. Accidental call to my grandson, balloon delivery defeat and coffee overflow.

I wanted to wrap myself in bubble wrap and sit on the couch – to avoid any more mishaps and call it a day – before the day even started.

And then…

My grandson texted me to make sure everything was ok. I owned my accidental dialing mistake and was actually thrilled for the chance to have the connection with him. However unintended, it was so special. Truly delightful.

My coffee (2nd time around) was great.

The picture of my coffee overflow on FB generated several connections with others who have “been there, done that” and silly as this is – it is when we are most human, most real, the greatest parts of life happen.

As for the guard doing her job. As much as I hated her denying me access – I can only be grateful for the diligence she took in doing her job. I will admit I thought about parking around the corner and walking in through the unlocked gate with the balloons in hand – and had I not been in PJ pants I might have been just defiant enough to do this. But the PJ pants saved me from being too belligerent – and truly making a spectacle of myself. And likely I avoided more security being called to haul me out. Kind of hard to be discreet walking past the guard shack carrying a balloon bouquet, which I had already showed her, in my plea to gain access.

So…how many lessons did I learn before 7:30 am? More than I want to count.

The greatest blessing was knowing that even the best of deeds and intentions can be tested and filled with challenges and disappointment. The key is to not loose site of the goal. The intentions. The good intentions. Don’t let challenges deflate, deny or dilute the experience. May I “do over” as needed so I can delight in the good intentions as well as the unintended and unplanned events.

Here’s to going from excited to disappointed, deflated, denied and diluted to finally delighted and delivered!

NO Thanks to allowing challenges to Steal the Joy.

I was given a new gift this past weekend.

The Gift of Loving Determination and Relentless Pursuit

From the same two year old
Who helped me rebrand my business 4 years ago,
Into: www.nothanks.me.

She is now six (almost seven as she reminds me often)
The gift she gave me this weekend was the full experience of
Loving Determination and Relentless Pursuit.

She wanted a long leopard coverup, similar to mine.
She was determine to make it happen.

That same day.

I told her I needed material.
~She picked out fabric from my collection.
I told her I needed a pattern.
~She made a drawing of what she wanted.
~Her drawing complete with the detail of the leopard print.
~She asked me how to spell the words as she detailed every action. ~She wrote down every step.
~Fold, Cut, Design, Sew…

She had watched me sew in the past.
She has sewn face masks with me. All by herself.
She knew I had everything I needed, to make this for her.

She just had to get me on board.

She did everything right.
~She made a plan.
~She involved me in spelling out all the words for her plan.
~She lovingly engaged me with relentless pursuit.
~She did not let up until I was fully executing to her plan.
~She was at my side while the material was cut.
~She was at my side while the sewing machine was set up.
~She was at my side while the machine was threaded.
~She was ready to sew it herself if I didn’t.

She wanted a cover up.
~That day.
~Not tomorrow.
~Not next week.
~Not after this or that blah, blah, blah.
~She wanted it then.
~Right then.
~She was laser focused.
~She never let up.

Once I was busily sewing her coverup – she went back to comfortably play on her iPad – knowing her project was being executed exactly, as she had made it happen.

~She didn’t just wish it.
~She didn’t just hope for it.
~She made it happen by engaging the one who could do this for her.
~She did her part.
~She spelled it all out.
~She did not rest until she knew it was in process.
~To her design.
~To her requirements.

How many of us stop short of this blessing?
How many of us give up before getting what we want?
How many never even ask for what we want?
Never even ask for what we need?
Never allowing ourselves to dream of the possibilities?
How many of us cheat ourselves of this gift?
The gift of knowing what we want and going after it.
Going after it – with loving determination and relentless pursuit.

When the coverup was done she was thrilled.
She wore it all evening and into the next morning.
She was completely delighted with the finished product.

You can have anything you set your mind to…
Make a plan.
Be detailed.
Be concise.
Be deliberate.
Be determined.
Find someone who can help you execute your plan.
Then go after your goal with loving determination and relentless pursuit.

Dare to be six again.

Embrace life with Loving Determination and Relentless Pursuit.

Then celebrate with princess shoes and a mani pedi.

Say NO Thanks to anything less for your life.

It’s Time.

Time for putting your time to use.
Time for putting your time to use for good.
Time for getting in the game.
Time for staying in the game.
Time for not stopping.
Time to keep going.

It’s Time.

I was gifted a clock from a start up company 20 years ago…

All employees received the same gift clock when the company went public.

The clock had never worked as intended,

Until today.

For 20 years the clock has lived a life less than.

Less than intended.

Just like a fortune cookie from many years ago read, “you have remarkable power which you are not using”. This was the clock.

20 years later, with a new battery costing $2.09 (including delivery)

The clock now works as it was designed

The clock now works as it was intended

The clock is now using its remarkable power

The clock is no longer living a live less than

The clock is now ticking off every second, minute and hour of the day

The clock is alive, tracking every second.

How many days, weeks, years have you allowed your body to not work as intended?

How many days, weeks, years have you allowed your mind to not work as intended?

How many years have you had remarkable power which you are not using?

How long have you abandoned your dreams and plans…

Allowing time to pass by

Allowing your dreams and plans to be buried

Buried under layers and layers of dust

Buried for years.

All that can change

TODAY.

Time can be started anytime you choose to begin

Time does not have to be wasted any longer

Every second, minute and hour can be used

Used for good.

Every precious moment can move you closer to your dreams, your plans.

You don’t have to wait 20 years to start

You can start TODAY…

It’s Time.

Contact me to get your clock started…

xoxo

Coach Sandy

Coach Sandy Stewart
Life and Weight Loss Coach
Serving Individuals and Groups

email: coach@nothanks.me

STOP Stopping Yourself

STOP Stopping yourself short of
A Goal.
A Finish line.
A Dream.

STOP Stopping yourself

Period.

Every time we stop ourselves from achieving – we are cheating ourselves of something precious, something vital

Something valuable.

Every time we restart-we have to muster up a new source of
Energy
Motivation
Focus
Commitment

It is SOOO much EASIER to keep going, than to restart

Even more reason to STOP STOPPING ourselves!

When we STOP, extra baggage seems to climb aboard, like these freeloaders named…

Guilt, Shame, Blame, Discouragement, Frustration, Failure

When these freeloaders pile on, our load becomes heavier
Making a restart even more difficult
It can take FOREVER to remove the freeloaders
And simply get moving again
None of these freeloaders pile on when we are moving

It is exhausting to start over
It is agonizing and exhausting to repeatedly start over

So why do we STOP?
Do we get tired?
Do we get bored?
Do we lack commitment?
Is our goal truly important?
Is our goal truly a priority?

We must get honest with ourselves

How badly do we really want whatever it is we keep stopping ourselves from achieving or finishing?

• Weight Loss
• Financial Security
• Educational Goals
• LOVE
• Etc….

You must get absolutely honest about your goal

What is it you TRULY wish for?

Now ask yourself WHY you want this…

Ask yourself WHY 5 times

Ask WHY to get to your primary root reason

Now ask yourself WHY 5 more times

To uncover more root reasons

These root reasons are your energy source

Let these roots feed you, drive you, fuel you forward

Your GOAL can now become a deeply rooted priority

Your GOAL becomes possible when you know what it truly means for you

STOP Stopping yourself for ONE Day

ONE FULL DAY

Now keep GOING

GO !

NO Thanks to STOPPING SHORT.