Connecting the Dots…

May 25, 2018

Life lived one day at a time is not always clear or understandable.

Why things happen like they do?

What does this mean? Why now? What for ?

However…life viewed over time, is like the eye test that becomes clearer, clearer and clearer.

This week something happened that took me back 35 years in an instant. The past 35 years collapsed immediately and I went back to that moment and then some…I went back 17 years beyond the 35 year mark – so actually I went back 52 years in time…when my youngest sister was born and how precious she was to all of us. How we waited and waited and waited for her to be born. And then finally we had a baby sister and she had 4 moms (3 older sisters and our mom)…we all embraced her as she was our own.

I spent the entire morning today looking at home videos of my sister when she was 3 and 4 and 5 and 6 and 7 years old. Home movies when she was surrounded by 3 older sisters – all of us in various stages of development – proms, wedding showers, crazy talent shows we created for our own enjoyment – just because.

There is no sound to our original home movies which can be a blessing because we can add our own narrative. We can add our own words to the pictures on the screen. I am sure every family member would have a different narrative – but I really like my version. I see my baby sister as this beautiful little girl – the same age as my granddaughter’s ages now…precious, loving and full of life.

My sister only reached the young age of 35 before her life was cut short. A terrible car accident where she died instantly 17 years ago. However, I believe a part of her had died 18 years earlier…when she was just 17. She was just 17 when she had a baby boy and made the very tough decision to allow him to be adopted at birth. I believe she felt she made the best choice for him – but I am not sure it was the best choice for her, or her heart. She never spoke of this to me out loud – but that was her way. She carried her burdens inside. I do not believe her heart ever got over that loss and I believe many of her actions from that day forward was an attempt to recover from the pain of that selfless decision. She never acted like a victim or ever spoke of this…she just moved forward silently – keeping all her heartfelt feelings – to herself.

This week, for the first time, there was an initiation made to possibly connect with this baby boy, who is now 35. My heart stopped a bit. I pray for the day he will come to know how my sister loved him – and loved him enough to allow others to care for him – better than she felt she could do for him.

So how does this dot fit in right now?

My heart stopped a bit on that day 35 years ago when my sister made that tough decision…and it has been slugging along for the past 17 years since my sister’s passing. This week my heart speeded up a bit – at the mere thought of being able to share with this young man about his mom, my sister and the rest of our crazy family.

I laughed out loud thinking…
Sharing pictures of our mom (his grandmother) dressed as a zebra for Halloween
Or
Sharing pictures of his birth mom, when she was 6 years old, doing cartwheels in front of another sister, taking pictures before prom.

What crazy pictures would scare him away and what pictures would melt his heart?

I dream of being able to share pictures of my sister with him, when she was young and carefree. I pray he can see her heart so full of life and love, before life became more difficult for her. I pray that any questions he might have had throughout his life can be simply answered by seeing her heart.

Her true heart. Full of Love. Quiet Love.

This week is a BIG dot in my life. One that has been a long time coming and I am so grateful for this dot to have happened now – just as it has.

Perfect. Imperfect. Priceless.