Get Real to Heal

I feel like my heart broke a LONG time ago
I have kept waiting for it to mend
Going through the motions
Sitting on the bench
Picking myself up
Getting back in the race
Resorting back to the bench
Repeat
Repeat
Repeat
Nothing seemed to work
I can finally see why I still feel broken
I was trying to undo something that cannot be undone
I can’t unsee something I have seen
I can’t unfeel something I have felt
I was trying to erase memories
Good memories too painful to recall
However, I have an excellent memory which allows me to remember words, tones, feelings…from as young as I can recall
So, it is ludicrous to think I can mask out good memories
Instead, I need to make room for these memories
A place for these memories to live peacefully within me
I need to embrace the good the bad the ugly
It’s all part of my journey
Erasers don’t work when it comes to matters of the heart
For the years my heart has felt broken, bleeding frequently
I have been stuck
Stuck in the muck
I think I have finally reached my abyss
I no longer feel the need to put my broken heart back together
Mending is not required
Acceptance and Love are required
Acceptance and love for every crack, break, scar my heart has felt
I want to allow my heart to break and bleed – as it needs
I want to marvel at the breaks in my heart
Feeling joy for the roads I have traveled and lessons I have learned
Treasure the breaks and love them deeply
Embrace how the breaks have wonderfully impacted my life
The breaks in my heart demonstrate my capacity to love
Love deeply
So deeply that 16 years later the breaks still bring me to tears
Yes 16 years
Last Saturday night I spent 4 hours trying to mend my grandson’s baseball shirt
3hrs and 55 trying minutes – then 5 magical minutes
The first 3 hrs and 55 minutes were not spent in vain – this time was spent learning valuable lessons
It was in these trying 3 hrs and 55 minutes where all the treasures resided – all the lessons – all the gifts
Once I had tried everything I knew – I surrendered
I was too tired to “force fit” anything, anymore
I was ready to let go of trying to mend something horribly broken, start anew
At the 3 hr 55 minute mark, I noticed an email from my heartbreak of 16 years
It was Sunday 12:28 AM
I was lonely, tired and hurting when I read his message
Tears fell from my eyes
Head in my hands I contemplated my response
This time, I chose to respond from a truly authentic and vulnerable place
Years of pain seemed to melt, flowing onto the page with the bare truth
“Honestly I am hurting deeply…”
As soon as I hit send, the restoration began
In my heart
And in the shirt
I had unlocked my stuck
I had exposed my hurting heart and began to heal

Five minutes later the shirt was restored

At the time, the 3 hours and 55 minutes I had spent on this shirt felt futile, frustrating and filled with failure after failure after failure
I was focused on success and success was elusive at this point
I had to go to any lengths before I was willing to embrace a different path
I could not give up on what I thought might work
I had to exhaust all efforts before I could give up on Plan A
The email from my past heartbreak, pushed me over the edge
Seeing the email at such a late hour was perfectly timed
There was no more fight in me
No more resistance
Once I allowed myself to be vulnerable, authentic and honest in my response

I felt renewed strength

I had shattered my fear of appearing weak
When I owned my broken heart
I put myself on the road to healing
Complete opposite of what I thought I would feel
I was shocked
I was ready to embrace Plan B with the shirt repair
Or was it really Plan B?
Could it truly be the perfect ending to Plan A?
Whatever it was – 5 minutes later the shirt was fully restored
And the lesson for me…
I had to get real to heal
Who knew how restoring this shirt and this Saturday night would ultimately restore my heart
I had to get real to heal
Ready to move forward with my beautifully broken heart